You know, I wrote that first blog post about eating the whole sandwich over 2 months ago. I wrote it, created this blog, posted the entry, and then let it sit for over two weeks as I contemplated whether or not I should share it with anyone. Even after I posted it, it took me 3 weeks to post another entry. And now, it’s been over a month since my last post. Facing my screwed up relationship with food and my body is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. It’s mentally and emotionally draining. I’m trying to retrain my brain after a lifetime of thinking that fat automatically means unhealthy and that I should be embarrassed by weight gain. I’ve spent years feeling like a failure every time I gained a pound or didn’t stick to my meal plan. I’ve beaten myself up with judgment wondering “what’s wrong with you? You had lost the weight. You looked great. Why did you go and ruin it? Why can’t you just get back on track and lose it again? You had it. It was within your reach, and you just threw it away.”

The thing is, every time we “fail” at a diet, we blame ourselves – our willpower. And then we try restricting even more to “fix” what we’ve done. But hunger and eating are not signs of failure. They’re signs that your body is working properly and needs more food.

Fun fact about our bodies… they’re not made to be in a constant state of weight loss. From a biological standpoint, weight loss usually means something is wrong – typically famine or illness. Our bodies are actually made to bounce back from those threats… to bounce back from weight loss.

(because this is just my personal blog to work through all these feelings, I don’t feel like citing the scientific evidence right now, but I urge you to listen to Anti-Diet by Christy Harrison and The F*ck It Diet by Caroline Dooner. They actually cite their sources.)

Even though I have scientific evidence showing that we’re not made to force weight loss, and I have endless evidence showing that diets don’t work in the long term (through my own experience and through watching countless others lose and gain weight repeatedly over the years), it’s hard to undo the years of being told the opposite. And even those diets that claim to not be diets but “lifestyle changes” still typically don’t work long term. Why? Because cutting out brownies and nachos for life just isn’t sustainable. But for real, restriction isn’t sustainable. We all, eventually, rebel against it.

We’re constantly being inundated with messages about how hunger is bad and eating “unhealthy” foods means you’re out of control and disgusting. “Stop your cravings and curb your appetite with this {pill, shake, lollipop, tea, whatever}.” But why?? Having an appetite is a good thing! Have you ever had the heartbreaking experience of being with someone during their last stage of life? A sign they’ll be leaving soon is a loss of appetite. Being hungry is a good sign.

Learning that it’s okay to eat when I’m hungry and that no foods are off limits has been quite the experience. There have been moments of pure joy while eating foods I haven’t had in years, and there have been moments of uncertainty as old thought patterns have crept back in. I still have a lot of work to do, but as long as I keep reminding myself that “food guilt” doesn’t need to be a thing, I think I’ll be okay.