The other week, as I posted my last entry, I realized something… I haven’t really talked about how I’ve actually been feeling during this process. And, honestly, the whole point of this blog was for me to put my feelings into words. So, here it goes…

It sucks. It really effing sucks. It’s gotten worse as the weeks have gone by, and a lot of the time, I’m miserable. 

Don’t get me wrong, it’s been amazing and so liberating to eat all sorts of foods that I haven’t had in years or that have always triggered intense food guilt. But I’m so uncomfortable in my body now… more so than ever before in my life. 

I’ve gained so much weight. So much. I weigh 20lbs more than 2 months ago, 30 pounds more than 6 months ago, and the one that really kills me… 45+ pounds more than I weighed 3 years ago. Granted, I haven’t been doing this whole “anti-diet, intuitive eating” thing for very long – almost 3 months – but seeing old pictures of me 45lbs lighter has been killing me. 

I’m so incredibly uncomfortable in my own skin. My clothes don’t fit, I can feel my back fat rolls, and I can see my double chin coming in strong. It’s not a fun experience. I’ve bought bigger clothes to accommodate my larger body, but I just seem to keep growing larger. I know that weight gain is often a natural occurrence when you kick diet culture to the curb, but that doesn’t make it any easier. There’s a possibility that my weight will go back down once my body adjusts to this new way of living without restriction, but I’m not there yet, and it’s hard to handle.

Real talk. I’m embarrassed by my body. I constantly feel like everyone I know can tell I’ve gained weight and they’re all just thinking “Wow. She sure let herself go.” And let me tell you, that’s not a fun feeling. 

Part of this whole project is learning to change how I think about my body and weight. And trust me, I’m trying, but this shit is hard. I can’t tell you how many times my boyfriend has wrapped his arms around my ever-expanding body to comfort me as I cried about how much I hated it. I can’t count how many meltdowns I’ve had when it was time to get dressed for the day and I just couldn’t find something comfortable or flattering to wear. I’m seriously struggling. 

My brain is screaming at me to get back on a nutrition plan, cut down on carbs, and start running every day. The screaming gets louder every time I put on an article of clothing and feel how much tighter it’s gotten. 

I feel like I’m in a lose-lose situation that’s never going to get better. Sure, I can go back to dieting and restricting so I can shrink my body back down (at least until it stops working, like all diets do), but then I’ll be back where I started with food obsession and body issues. But right now it feels like if I heal my relationship with food, I’ll have to be stuck in a body I hate. I can’t win. 

And let me also say this, my problem with this larger body isn’t just that I don’t like the way it looks. It’s also uncomfortable, and not just because my pants are too tight – that part can be fixed by going to the store and buying a bigger size. And I’m not just uncomfortable when I’m around people and they can see how big I’ve gotten. No, I’m uncomfortable when I’m completely alone and naked under my blankets. No one can see me, not even myself, but my mushy body is uncomfortable. Feeling my rolls folding over on my back or my second set of boobs resting on my stomach is flat out uncomfortable. Forget the fact that my underwear is too tight and I can’t wear any of my bras anymore. It’s frustrating and super upsetting when I bend over to try to check out that mole that randomly showed up last year and I can’t see it because my fat rolls are blocking my view no matter how hard I suck in.

Being in this larger body is not fun. I’m trying so hard to reframe my mind, but a lot of days are just filled with disgust and sadness. And while it’s great being able to eat nachos without beating myself up about it, this is far from being a walk in the park. I’m not giving up on it, because I know I don’t want to go back to constant food guilt and obsession over serving sizes and food groups, but this isn’t easy. I’m going to keep trudging forward with the hope and belief that it will get better, but let me tell you that the struggle is real right now.