For YEARS, I have been The Girl Who Works Out and Eats Healthy. That’s been my thing. It’s become so commonplace for people to chat with me about meal plans and workouts and weight loss. An encouraging “hey, I saw your workout on Facebook! You’re killing it!” or a reassuring “You’re looking great! Those workouts are really working” or a supportive“You’re so good!” when looking at my meal choices have opened so many conversations over the years. 

Who will I be now? What will people talk to me about? How many people are going to look at this as me just failing at another diet/healthy lifestyle attempt? How many people are going to look at me with disgust or disappointment when my body changes? My fear of judgment is exposing itself so strongly lately, and I’m seriously struggling with it. 

I feel like I need to give people a forewarning about what I’m doing so they’re not shocked and disgusted by my body. Part of me even wonders if I started this blog as a way to explain my changed behavior and body before people could ask or wonder. 

So much of who I am has focused around diets and exercise that I don’t even know who I am without it. When people first started bringing up my workouts when we’d talk, I felt such a sense of pride and accomplishment. It was validation that I was doing well, and I was doing the right thing. I loved when people would message me or come up to me and say “I saw your workout. You’re killing it!” But somewhere along the line, I started to feel this obligation to keep it up. I couldn’t let those people down. And while I believe that extrinsic motivation can be helpful, it eventually took an unhealthy turn. If I was exhausted and felt like I needed extra sleep, I’d ignore what my body was telling me because I needed to get up and workout. I couldn’t be lazy. I owed it to these people who supported me and gave me compliments. 

When I decided to heal my relationship with food and my body, I knew I needed to take some time off from working out. I needed to step away so I could focus my energy on this huge mental task. And I needed to stop posting on social media so I would stop getting comments on my body. I needed to refocus. 

Over the years, I have let supposed “health and fitness” take over who I am as a person. So now that I’m reworking those things, I feel a bit lost. Who am I without my “healthy girl” persona? What will I bring to the table now? If I’m not “the girl who works out and eats healthy” who am I?