“You’re allowed to eat the whole sandwich.”

What a basic sentence. Nothing earth shattering there. So, why did it immediately bring me to tears when I heard it? How was it that something so simple and, honestly, so obvious could suddenly cause my eyes to well up?

I suppose that’s what happens when someone shines a spotlight onto one of your deep-rooted subconscious fears. I had just started listening to The F*ck it Diet by Caroline Dooner. I was only about 10 minutes into the book when she said that simple sentence. And in that instant, I realized just how scared I had been of food. I’m allowed to eat the whole sandwich. What a novel idea. You mean to tell me that if I eat half of the sandwich, and I’m still hungry, it’s okay to finish the sandwich?? I don’t have to be ashamed or disgusted with myself? I can just eat the food that is healing my hunger? I can just eat? I’m 31 years old and just now learning that eating is okay.

The first time I can remember worrying about my weight was when I was no more than 10 years old. We were still living in my childhood home in arguably the best neighborhood ever in Channahon, Illinois. I had always been a really active child – always out playing tag, or riding bikes, or jumping on the neighbor’s trampoline. I don’t know when I went from being a normal kid to thinking I was the fat friend, but it happened. Somehow, I became aware that there was something “wrong” with me. I don’t remember a specific time that anyone told me I was fat as a kid. I don’t remember being shamed by my friends, and I don’t know why I decided that I wasn’t good enough the way that I was. But it had been decided, and I needed to do something about it.

I remember one night that I sat on the edge of my twin bed with the emerald green comforter, holding the box of plastic wrap I had snuck into my tiny, pink bedroom. I was going to “fix” my stomach. I’m not sure where I had seen this solution or why I thought it would work or was even necessary for that matter, but I had to try it. I began wrapping layer after layer of plastic wrap around my torso. I was convinced that if I slept that way, I would wake up skinny. I WASN’T EVEN A PRETEEN. What in the world was I doing worrying about my weight, or fat, or body? When I woke up to find that I was not, in fact, magically skinny, and that the plastic wrap had actually rolled itself into a thin line across my stomach, I was devastated. Clearly, if this one thing didn’t work, nothing was ever going to work. I think that’s where my issues really began. Issues that I’ve been consumed by for more than 20 years since.

I’ve finally decided to take control of my life by letting go of my control of food and my body. I’m working through DECADES of unhealthy thought patterns so I can hopefully come out the other side as truly happy, healthy, and free. I’m not at the end of my journey with all of the wisdom and answers. I’m not even in the middle of my journey where I feel confident and can show improvements so far. I am right at the beginning of this journey, and I’m scared and excited. I have no idea how this story will end or what turns it will take along the way, but I’m tired of being stuck in the same place. So, here’s to unlearning my food and body issues and learning how to eat normally and accept myself. I’ll eat to that!